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The mostly-empty seats only accentuated the dilapidated condition
of the plane. While the dearth of travelers did provide another
opportunity to question the wisdom of returning to India and carefully
consider each declination of free cocktails (a gesture reflecting
both the earnestness of my pending adventures and the excesses
of those survived in Thailand), it was also a reminder that this
trip to the sub-continent was going to be different. For starters,
I was arriving, alone, in an unfamiliar city (Calcutta) without
a guidebook. This bold decision was less attributed to traveler
pride and lugging capacity than the fact that my theorized itinerary
included primarily places I had already been. Even so, it was
only when the locals rushed the doors while the plane was still
taxiing that I felt the comforting familiarity of the absurdities
that are India.
In hindsight, I can now see that a guidebook could have been
quite useful, but only if it included personalized clairvoyant
foresight. Following are excerpts from such a hypothetical cosmic
guidebook:
GETTING THERE AND AWAY… Don’t underestimate the lure of staying longer than planned in India. There is no way you will make it back to America in April. Eventually, your return ticket will expire and you won't care.
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hiking along the Ganga
near Rishikesh
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GETTING AROUND - Upon arrival, avoid all forms of Indian transportation
whenever possible (see Volume 5 at keithchronicles.com). When
this wisdom inevitably conflicts with the traditional definition
of traveling, travel exclusively by train but make sure of your
plans before booking tickets. In most cases your plans will either
change or you will wish they had. When traveling alone on overnight
sleeper train, be cautious that watch alarm can be heard. Should
aforementioned alarm fail to wake you prior to your destination,
forget trying to look dignified as you scramble out of your sleeping
bag and drag all your worldly possession onto the platform in
a jumbled mass.
PLACES TO STAY: Upon arrival in Calcutta, splurge! The Salvation Army guesthouse might seem like a reasonable ($4) choice despite institutional charm, lack of mosquito protection, dirty mattresses and cold “shower” (actually just an overhead pipe without a showerhead). But when you fondly remember it months later as the most luxurious, spacious and expensive place you rented, you might want to recall a slightly more decadent standard. When living in Buddhist monasteries or Hindu ashrams, don’t think of warm, bright rooms or comfortable beds (that are at least as long as you are). These fantasies will do nothing to enhance the experience. Buy your own mug with a handle prior to incarceration (hot tea in metal cups is a problematic way to drink your next few hundred beverages).
MONEY: ATMs are the most efficient way to get money when traveling internationally. India isn’t about efficiency (I have personally visited 5 to 10 ATMs in this country and am beginning to suspect that I have seen a relatively high proportion of the total). Allocating one entire day in Calcutta to seemingly simple task of getting rupees will only seem sufficient. Consult astrologer to ensure your one bank day doesn’t coincide with a nationwide bank strike (which for reasons understandable to everyone but me meant the ATMs were also unavailable). In the event of nationwide bank strike, don’t be impatient, don’t leave the only major city you will see for a long while and doom “emergency” traveler checks to a pre-mature date with destiny (the lack of logic can be quite contagious here). In the event of illogically impatient exodus, at least maintain perspective. Exchanging $40 at the airport can get you: a cab to city center, one night’s lodging, 10 hours of e-mail, a taxi to the train station, an overnight train ticket, an auto-rickshaw to ultimate destination, haircut/shave/massage upon arrival, a meditation pillow (which your butt will become oh so attached too), a new shawl/blanket (which multi-tasks as a ground cover and a fashion statement), aforementioned mug with handle, a handful of meals and countless chais (milk teas) and still have about $10 left over.
When you do find a functioning ATM a month later in Varanassi, pay it due respect and homage (incense, flowers and/or approaching it on ones knees might be advisable). Offended ATMs will not function on any (4) future attempts to pray with them (once, the deity’s screen magically read “out of order” despite a power outage; the next day, the screen went blank when accepting my card, but worked fine with someone else’s). When cursed by offended ATM, accept your karmic fate, get a cash advance on your Visa card (like everyone else) and leave town savoring your one “blessed” experience.
FOOD: Learn to love porridge (and fruit) for breakfast and tali (a generally tasty compilation of rice, chapatti/bread and an unpredictable mix of sabjee/vegetables, dhal/lentil soup and curd) for other daily meal(s). When pants begin feeling large after a month on the once-daily monastic tali regimen (meditation retreat), book another long program (shiatsu/yoga) at an ashram serving tali noon and night. When eating tali, ignore local customs of tearing chapatti into separate pieces prior to eating. If it looks like a tortilla and tastes like a tortilla, roll your own burrito and spread some international culture (so what if it’s not yours).
SUBSTANCE ABUSE - Without beer/wine alternatives, watch your body’s cunning ability to manifest new vices. Mr. Non-dairy and who-needs-sugar (in America) will become a weak-willed chai junky unable to resist the pushers who shamelessly hawk the sweet milk tea with blatant disregard for sanctity of location (they even give it away on retreat). Only when you find an ashram that for some inexplicable reason cannot produce a decent urn of the national obsession will the addiction be broken. Justify other sweet-tooth binges (cookies, cakes and cinnamon rolls) as both essential variations to otherwise redundant diet and critical “vice-substitutes” for recovering chai-aholics. When ordering vice substitutes from restaurants, always get them “takeaway” (even if you are staying), this avoids frequently lengthy process of waiting for separate service professional to put item on plate of questionable hygiene and allows for direct feedback when most burned or aged item in display is inevitably chosen by server.
HEALTH: Fret not if twice daily (all-you-can-eat) talis and repetitive (however justified) cookie binges expand you recently lean waist back toward your pants-size. An (inevitable) Indian stomach virus can have you back to traveler-lean in no time. Though debilitating to the point where walking to the toilet requires vast stores of energy, your first noteworthy bout of tummy-trouble will be short lived (48 hours) and well timed (after the shiatsu program ends but before you gather momentum to actually leave the beautiful ashram). There will (of course) be creative self-medication involved. Thank your friends profusely, even if the don’t know what exotic homeopathic/ayurvedac concoctions they fed you.
INTERNATIONAL TRAVELER ADVISORIES: If US military under Clinton administration could “accidentally” bomb a Chinese embassy, who know where Bush Administration might bomb? To be on the safe side, avoid anyplace “evil”. India and Pakistan started squabbling (rather violently) at their respective inceptions 50+ years ago. Recent squabble-escalation has heightened fears of nuclear altercation. In the event of nuclear attack, seek safe shelter on still-to-be-identified alternative planet. While the vast majority of Muslims and Hindus don’t hate anyone, there are select militant/ignorant representatives from both religions whose horrific atrocities will make headlines while you are in India. These isolated subgroups will in all likelihood be busy hating each other to find you in separate part of the country and hate you directly. Practice love and compassion, it just might spread.
LOCAL INHABITANTS: These are the living, breathing people who have and will continue to suffer the most from the events above. Among the hardest hit are the charity organizations that rely on traveler donations to continue their important work. You will be tempted to help them beyond the limitations of your travel budget. Avoid using Chronicles to plug worthy charities such as the Vajra Bodi Society. Even if the monk/founder of a 900-student school in the poorest state of India were finding it more difficult to raise foreign donations to pay his teachers, this is certainly not the place to mention it. If Rajul were also a personal friend who would go to generous extremes such as housing and feeding you (before and after meditation retreats), then it would be especially inappropriate. Whatever happens, don’t encourage any compassionate soul with a few extra bucks to visit his website at vajrabodhisocietyindia.org
TRAVELERS: Someone once recommended, “spend as much time possible with the best people you can find.” If you learn to include yourself in that group, then this will be an excellent motto for the trip. This is NOT to say that travelers whose paths will merge with yours for moments or months are necessarily “better” than wonderful people anywhere. Rather, it is meant as a reminder to appreciate really being with people who have made time (lots of it) available to just be.
“We are human beings, not human doings”
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